The reason it’s illegal for anyone to kill themselves, is to prevent a slippery slope.

It’s kinda like abortion. It used to be that abortion was totally illegal. Then they said, we’ll allow abortion to protect the health of the mother. Then they said, we’ll also allow abortion in cases of rape or incest.

Next thing you knew, abortion was available in every situation, and millions of women were getting abortions. It turned out, if you allow abortion in any situation at all (e.g. if the kid has Down’s syndrome), then suddenly all women are demanding the right to an abortion if they want one, even if their kid isn’t defective. Once you open the door just a crack, by making one exception, then everyone else wants an exception made for them too.

It’s the same way with suicide. If you let one guy who’s stuck in a wheelchair and totally miserable kill himself, then suddenly everyone else is going to want to be allowed to have suicide rights too. Teenagers who broke up with their girlfriend will want to be allowed to commit suicide, and pretty soon, millions of people will be killing themselves.

So, just like the Catholic Chuch says, “Abortion is always sinful, even if we already know the kid is going to be born brain-damaged,” people also say, “Suicide is always wrong, even if your life seems totally fucked up and not headed for any improvement.” They don’t want to open the door even a crack, to allowing the idea that maybe some people would be better off dead; because once they do that, they’re going to be overwhelmed with people asking for the right to die, and claiming their circumstances would justify suicide.

So what they do, is say, “Everyone’s life is precious, and no one should kill themselves. There’s always hope for everyone,” even though they know that’s not always true. It’s like how the Catholics say, “Every baby is sacred, even if it’s going to be born blind and retarded and half-paralyzed for life and will cost the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

So it’s basically the same concept as, “The reason I’m not going to share my potato chips with you, is that if I gave one to you, I’d have to give one to everybody else.”

If we gave suicide to one person, we’d have to give it to everybody else.

I lose no matter what I do

My mom was suggesting I go to Dr. so-and-so to get some mental health treatment so I won’t be depressed, or whatever it is that’s wrong with my mental state.

Well, you see what this is a setup for. If I say, “No, I don’t want to go,” then it’s my own fault I’m unhappy, because I didn’t cooperate.

If I say, “Okay, I’ll go” and then show up there and tell the doc, “I’m just here so that my mom can’t say that I didn’t at least go through the motions of trying to get help” he can still say, “Well, he didn’t fully cooperate with my program of treatment, so that’s why he’s still depressed.” That too would be my fault.

If, however, I were to actually try to cooperate and do everything I was told, that could potentially go on forever. My mom has been in therapy for decades; one would think she should finally be over whatever happened in her childhood or whatever, but they are still milking her for the $100 per session, or however much they charge, and they will continue doing that for as long as she persists in saying she needs counseling.

One has to wonder, whose fault is it, if she invests that much in treatment and still needs to keep going back for more treatment? Why don’t they either say, “Okay, you’re done with treatment” or “We need to cut you off, because this treatment obviously isn’t working for you, if you need to continue coming back here for decades”?

When I was in physical therapy after breaking my arm, there came a point where the physical therapist said, “You’re done; you don’t need to keep coming back here.” But had the therapy not worked, presumably at some point they would’ve said, “You know, you’re just not making progress, so maybe we should quit.” In fact, that is kinda what happened; I never regained the full range of motion in my arm that I had before, but they knew that wasn’t in the cards, so they didn’t have me keep coming back there.

As long as I remain suicidal, people will say, “You need to continue seeking psych help.” It doesn’t matter whether it proves effective at all; they will still keep saying it. I’ve been on all kinds of psych drugs and I’ve spent at least a couple years in court-ordered counseling. There have been no positive results, that I know of. Yeah, when I was on Ritalin, maybe I found it slightly easier for awhile to focus, but I can obtain the same result by drinking a cup of coffee; it’s just a stimulant.

Anyway, this is just another thing I’m gonna have to resign myself to — people saying, “If you don’t get the psych help you need, it’s your own fault that you feel the way you do.” They are always going to say that same shit, for the rest of my life, unless maybe something happens that actually changed my situation for the better, to where I would actually have a reason to be happier; but I’m 38 and it hasn’t happened, so what do you figure the odds are?

I lose

I have no way to prove that what he says isn’t true. I can’t kill myself because my sister can’t help me. She can’t help me because she’s worried my mom would hold it against her if she did. E.g., if I went out to Colorado for her to assist my suicide, my mom would realize my sister had something to do with my death, because there would be no other reason for my dead body to turn up in Colorado rather than Virginia.

Because I’m not able to carry out my suicide, everyone is just going to think I was attention whoring this whole time. There’s nothing I can do about that, and it’s just something I’m gonna have to deal with for the foreseeable future. Oh well.

When people say, “Your problems seem to be of your own making”

It’s possible a lot of times to tell someone the litany of problems you have, and then they’ll comment, “It sounds like your problems are of your own making.”

If you then say, “Yeah, I tend to fuck stuff up a lot. I can’t really help it; I just don’t have very good sense, and I don’t really have the kinds of talents that would enable me to improve my situation,” that’s when they just kinda lose interest and go away. They realize you’re of no use to them, so the conversation is pointless. Yet they also don’t feel any responsibility to get rid of you from being a burden on society. Nor does society itself take on this responsibility.

As a result, we just have more and more losers piling up, because nobody really takes out the trash; it’s like if a bunch of pedestrians saw a cigarette butt by the side of the road, and realized it was useless for anything, and kept walking rather than getting rid of it; and then the road crews saw it too and didn’t consider it within their purview either.

Legalize suicide.

People say that suicide is caused by depression

Yet we hear so many people say, “It was such a shock that he did it. He seemed so normal before it happened. He was happy, he was enjoying himself, etc.”

Well, yeah. If you knew you were going to jump off a bridge tomorrow, why wouldn’t you spend today doing some fun stuff, having lighthearted conversations with friends, etc.? If anything, your worries would be gone, so you would be better able to enjoy yourself without being weighted down by concern over your problems. You might actually be better company.

It’s just that for most of our lives, we feel kinda stuck. How many people do you hear say, “Yeah, this job sucks, but I just need to stick it out for another 15 years till retirement”? They’re kinda stuck. People are stuck in marriages, or if they leave their marriage, then they’re stuck in whatever situation they end up in after marriage. Women talk about divorce as being liberating, but if they remain unable to get what they want, relationship-wise — i.e. attract that tall, handsome billionaire or whatever — they’re still stuck, in a way.

We end up in these situations, dealing with constant annoyances and frustrations. Some handle it better than others. It’s human nature, though, that we prefer to have a feeling of making progress, even if it’s illusory. Problem is, some of us are more realistic, or pessimistic, about how much meaningful progress we’re really making, because it can be hard to gauge sometimes, and there can always be setbacks.

I was recently telling someone, I hope the narrative about me doesn’t end up being, “He was real smart but his mental illness got the better of him.”

All I can really say in response to that is, “Cato’s Letter No. 56, bitches!”

That’s the only work I’ve ever found in my life that sums up how I feel about the matter. And it was written in 1721, before the psychologists arrogated to themselves the responsibility of telling us the meaning and cause of suicide.

It’s timeless, but obscure; I’ve never heard it mentioned in any discussion of suicide, but to me, it’s an eloquent and concise, and even radical, summation of my thinking on the matter.

Most of what’s been written on our time on the subject has focused on the terminally ill, rather than those who are just ready to say, “Fuck it, I’m done.”